By 3 a.m., I was wide awake. I spent the rest of my restless night going back and forth from our bed to our couch. I felt like I was "buzzing", like my brain just couldn't turn the lights off and sleep. I attributed it to our long day of Payton's celebrations. It wasn't until around 10 this morning that I had an "aha" moment of why my brain couldn't sleep.
It is October 15. It is the anniversary of almost losing my dad.
Today marks five years since we all gathered to the hospital to say goodbye. Five years since cancelling work, and school to rush to the hospital. Five years from when emergency babysitters were contacted, five years since calling friends and relatives pleading for prayers.
Five years.
Though it has been five years since Tuesday, October 15, 2013, we STILL feel the emotional wounds that were inflicted that day. About a month ago, I was working on a scrapbook layout containing pictures and journal entries from those months in the hospital. Yes I know it seems totally bonkers that I would add things from those traumatizing months to my "Smith Family Scrapbook"...but I did it because I want my children to know about this incredible, life-changing experience. I made the layout, and wrote 2 pages to go along with the first hospital spread in my scrapbook. I was so proud of how good everything looked that I facetimed my mom to show her my work.
That night, I expressed to Cam that I was having trouble catching my breath. I didn't know if I was coming down with a cold or something, but as the night progressed, so did the severity of my symptoms. My heart rate climbed up to the 160s (even though I was laying on my bed), my chest was heavy and I was shaking. As I lay on my bed, thinking that I was dying from something (literally that is what it felt like!) I had this overwhelming desire...not even a desire, but life or death NEED to call my dad. We called, and as soon as my parents answered I just sobbed. My mom suggested that I was having a panic attack from stirring up the memories in my heart. As soon as she said it, my subconscious flooded my heart and mind with old, familiar feelings that I try so hard to keep locked away.
I felt every emotion, every particle of fear and every ounce of hopelessness that I felt on October 15, 2013. It comes back. STILL,
Though we do talk about the hospital experience often, we don't delve deep into the emotions associated with it because they are debilitating. As soon as one of those emotions gets through, the rest seem to rush us as an unstoppable flood.
This isn't to say that we haven't been so miraculously blessed by seen and unseen angels. We know that we are STILL being supported by so many around us. We know that our Father in Heaven has helped us to compartmentalize the hard parts of the hospital experience so that we can function every day. We know that friends, family, angels and heaven are supporting my mom as she helps care for my dad. Things are so GOOD right now....but every now and then, especially on this anniversary, hearts become heavy as we remember that day.
So for today, we want to say "thank you". Thank you for continued prayers. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for supporting us. And thank you to our Father in Heaven and His Son for holding us close as we press on.
With love,
The Baer Family
