Motherhood

I am officially five months pregnant. :) A little more than halfway to meeting our Miss Payton. 

As I have thought about the past few months and all that I have experienced I feel like I have taken little sips out of the cup of motherhood. I am getting small tastes of what it is like to be a Mom. From the moment we found out we were expecting, I felt a flicker in my heart for this little gal. 

Late February of this year I was in a car accident. I went to the hospital because I totally smacked my noggin on the steering wheel, and they told me I had a bit of a concussion and sent me on my way. The week following the accident I started having some pretty weird symptoms...I was hallucinating, I was super nauseous, and I had these horrible bouts of fatigue. (which are all indicative of brain trauma) So we went back to the hospital and they ran some tests. As Cam and I were sitting there waiting for my CT scan, him in his ER volunteer uniform and me in my fancy hospital gown, a nurse comes in and says, "So you know you are pregnant right?" Because Cam volunteered in that ER and knew the staff we thought this was a prank. So we chuckled and went "Yeah, yeah right blah blah blah." Well she just barrels on through and says "So we had to change your CT scan to an MRI so we don't hurt your baby."  Wait what?! Are you kidding me? Obviously noting the disbelief on our faces, she says, "You're pregnant." 

That's how we found out we were expecting. It was quite the shock seeing how we had been hoping to wait another year so I could graduate from college. Clearly God had a different plan for Miss Payton. 

As I trek my way through this vast pregnancy wilderness I have come across many obstacles. My body has been undergoing an incredible change trying to support another life deep inside. I have felt aches, pains, and constant illness....but for some reason I have a greater resolve to go through this suffering because my baby needs me to. Although it is physically draining, I am ok with losing all of my energy if it means that my little girl can grow. Though they make me sick, I do my best to choke down those raunchy prenatal vitamins so that Payton can get all the nutrients she needs to be healthy. I find myself self-sacrificing so my daughter can get all that she needs to survive. I believe this is the essence of motherhood. 

She likes to stretch her legs out...ALL THE TIME.

Though my sweet girl isn't in my arms just yet, she is dependent on me and my ability to care for and love her. I need to take care of my mind and body so she can have a safe place to develop. This feeling of me struggling a bit so she can thrive came almost automatically. Though I sometimes need to remind myself that drinking three Dr. Peppers in one day is most DEFINITELY not on the list of how to care for your growing child, the feeling of concern for her well-being guides my actions. 

I have gotten to the point where I can feel our little Miss moving around. For a couple of weeks she was moving nonstop and I was thinking, "This baby is NOT sleeping the 14 hours that my pregnancy app says." Well last week I rarely felt her move...it wasn't until last night that she started her usual gymnastics again. I realized how much I MISSED feeling her presence. (though I know as she gets bigger I won't miss a thing) Despite the pain or the uncomfortable positions she likes to be in, I need to feel her. This is the essence of motherhood. 

I am grateful that God trusts me to do this. I am grateful that I can be Payton's Mom. Oh and I am grateful that Payton really likes pizza. (seriously I feel like pizza goes straight from my mouth to her belly) 

Waving. She's so social.

P.S. Update on Papa: After a couple weeks of some tummy issues Dad finally got approved to go to the hospital to get some tests run. Though he is still experiencing the issues, we are hopeful that this next week will tell us some more about what is causing all of the drama. After we figure THAT out we will go from there to determine treatment. 

Our Advocate

I have been thinking a lot about my weaknesses and my imperfections and how I am probably not going to heaven because I just can't seem to shake them! In MY mind I am supposed to have mastered perfection before my 26th birthday, and because I haven't I am the least saintly person in the world. 

I then remembered last month in a semi-annual LDS General Conference there was a quote by Nelson Mandela that says, "I am no saint- that is, unless you think a saint is a sinner who keeps on trying."  

What an incredibly Christian thing to believe. A saint is simply someone who keeps on trying despite setbacks whether induced by ourselves, others or the universe. If I think of myself in the light that Nelson Mandela did, then I am in fact a SAINT.

This idea of sainthood is actually how Christ, someone who IS perfect, sees us. Christ suffered each of our pains so He knows each of us and our struggles infinitely. This compassion and this empathy that He has enables Him to love us regardless of our offenses. From a personal standpoint, Christ knows how deeply terrified I was seeing so many of the health issues plague my Dad...and some of those scars make me act differently, sometimes less compassionately than I should. I often feel the desire to flee at the sight of someone in physical distress which is so totally opposite what Christ would do. The miracle is that Christ LOVES me and champions me even when I run away because He knows how hard it is for me to stay. The times when I do stay is an incredible victory and He is overjoyed when I try my best to be strong. 

Why can't we be more like Him? He is our ADVOCATE which is defined as someone who publicly supports or defends a person or a cause. He is our own Divine Lawyer. For the mercy that He shows me I feel responsible to offer others the same compassion and gratitude that He affords me.

I need to love the sinners around me, and see them as the saints that they are. I need to rejoice as Christ does for each and every difference they try to make in their lives to be better. I need to let go of their past transgressions, because I am not the one who can truly forgive them. I have NO IDEA what they have gone through that pushed them to their choices, all that should matter to me is who they are trying to become. 

So that's all. Those are my thoughts.

Love you all,

Aubs

Also here are two talks that really hit home.

The Gift of Grace

Saints Keep on Trying

The SuperSmiths

Back in action

Well, sort of! 

This past week we had the opportunity to watch Dad give his first presentation since almost two years ago! Papa was invited to share his experience with a group of Red Cross volunteers so for the past couple of weeks he has been practicing and preparing...and lemme tell ya, it was AWESOME! 

Dad made this amazing PowerPoint and talked all about his experience as a Franklin Covey trainer, then to his three month hospital stay, to where he is at now. He did amazing! As he was talking, little bits of "Mike Baer-Franklin Covey Trainer" came out. He can still hold an audience. 

During his presentation, he said something that left an impression on me. He said that he had to make a choice to be happy. To do that he needed to focus not on the things he lost or didn't have, he needed to focus on what he did and work on improving those things. What a genius! He really does do all he can to improve the things he can do right now. One of those things is improving his motor skills, something that a lot of stroke victims struggle with post-incident. 

Although his efforts might seem so elementary, he has been using his practice to bless the lives of those around him. He needs to practice his grip, so he writes cards to friends and neighbors. He needs to practice his spatial accuracy so he colors pictures for his grandkids and his nieces and nephews! He totally gets that the best way to improve himself is by trying to improve the lives of those around him. 

So yeah, Dad's pretty awesome. 

Anyways, just a quick spring update. Mom is doing ok as well. She hasn't been feeling to good as of late, so keep her in your prayers! She is still doing her best to keep the Baer family going, and she is totally awesome at it!

Love y'all!

Aubs

Dad's most recent masterpiece: A ninja turtle pic for Bridger! 

One of the slides from his slideshow. (explaining that how he is easily distracted...)

Balm for the Soul

During the Spring I've noticed that my lips become incredibly chapped. Seriously, they look like two scaly little lizards just chilling on my face! (bad visual, I know) I have been going through TONS of lip balm just trying to keep my little puckers moisturized. So lets talk about the word "balm".  We have heard of lip balm, hand balm, there's even balm for your feet. The intended use of balm is to heal or soothe skin. The feeling when you apply a much needed coat of chapstick to your dry lips is comparable to a cool glass of water on a blazing summer day.

Aside from my lips being chapped, I have noticed that the season or stage of the world we live in has been chapping my soul. I can't go anywhere without something depleting my soul's health in some way. Our souls start out being so sensitive, but over time, we stop trying to protect them and they become more calloused. We make excuses for not applying the correct protection each day.

I don't want a calloused soul.

What are the benefits of keeping our soul soft and healthy? Well first, we are more able to feel Heaven. On my mission I met some people who had never felt God. It was impossible trying to explain to them what He feels like, and the only way they could understand was if they had a personal experience. We invited them to do certain things that would give them the ability to feel Him. As people truly desired what we were describing, they did all that they could to feel it. When they felt it, their lives changed. The felt an immense peace, or balm, wash over their souls. They had greater hope for what was ahead, they had greater resolve to stand strong. They sensed a light directing them to what was good and right.

Another benefit of a healthy soul is that we have a heightened ability to deal with life's demands. Who doesn't want that? I know the difference when I have heaven help me. It doesn't mean that bad things don't happen to me, but I can support them and deal with them so much easier. I am a perfectionist and often times I feel so down hearted about not reaching my goals. When I become hard, I can't deal with these failures. When I am soft, I have hope that as I do what is necessary, I can try again and be successful.

What balm can I use to help my soul stay soft? In all honesty, the greatest relief I have ever felt comes from when I apply Jesus Christ to my soul. This weekend the whole world has the opportunity to use some of His balm in the LDS Church's General Conference. This conference is a time when the leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints share with the world messages of faith, hope, peace and guidance. I promise that if you do your best to listen to even one talk, you will feel the relief I am talking about.

If you don't believe me, ask my parents how they have gotten through the past year and a half. This is real and it is powerful. Trust me!

Before I go, let me update you on the happenings with Papa Baer. Dad has been approved by our insurance company to have a fancy little breathing device in our home! This device sends warm, moist air through his oxygen hose so his lungs can get the moisture they need to behave better. When his lungs get too dry he coughs like crazy, even to the point where he coughs up blood. It's crummy. Aside from that, he has shown great progress over the past two weeks because his blood has been the desired "thinness". We had a couple of rough weeks where his blood was uber thin and he was bruising like crazy, but we finally got it under control! Still working on that swallow, building model cars, and he's even tried his hand at art! We are loving the progress he is making.

Have a wonderful week and a Happy Easter!

Aubs

Opposition

Everything has its opposite, and everything will have at least something opposing it. A few examples:

 Over the past couple of years at my old High School there have been a number of suicides.These tragic circumstances have affected student body past and present and we have joined together to try and lift and inspire those around us through a movement called #ichoosetostay. I was surprised at the opposition that came from this movement. Many people argued with those who posted a short testimony on why they would never give up. The opposed were saying that we were offending the families of those who were lost to suicide. Others commented that we should talk face to face with those suffering instead of hiding behind words posted into cyberspace. They called this movement a cowardly and lazy way to deal with such a heartbreaking reality. 

Another: 

As a student I have been privvy to some pretty wild arguments about this, that and the other. Today we see what was once deemed as good and wholesome as preachy and self-righteous. Those who stand for seemingly positive values are attacked and labeled as immoral and selfish. 

It has broken my heart to see some people suffer by trying to do the right thing. The movement #ichoosetostay was in no way trying to neglect or belittle families who have lost loved ones. Rather we hope that they can find peace from the words offered by someone who chooses life while their family is struggling with death. Someone who stands up for wholesome and traditional values is not trying to demean or devalue people who have different views, but those who retaliate so often try to shame the person for standing up for what they personally believe in. 

So what do we do? Can we end opposition? Sadly no. In the Book of Mormon (Verse 11 of the link) it says that there "must needs be opposition in all things." If there isn't happiness there isn't sadness. If there isn't light there can't be dark. By the same token however, if there isn't misery there isn't joy. If there isn't pain there isn't healing. We'd just...be. 

There will always be someone who opposes you and what you believe, say and do. Our best efforts are spent trying to do and say what Christ said and did. He knows perfectly well the loneliness that comes from being a light on a dark hill. In a document called The Living Christ it says that Christ "went about doing good, yet was despised for it." Being Christlike does make you vulnerable to worldy retaliation, but just remember, as Christ says"...In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

Christ has been through it so He knows how to get through it. 

Love y'all.

Aubs

A different kind of valentine.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son."  (John 3:16)

There are a few verses in the scriptures that always make me feel surrounded by divine love. This type of love is unrequited, undying, and pure. This love endures despite my sin, my error and my imperfection. 

I hope that on this Valentine's Day, with all of the hearts and sparkles, all of the roses and chocolates, we can remember the ultimate Valentine. The gift of our Heavenly Father's Son. 

Let us all remember as well the love the Christ has for us:

 11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

 13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

(Alma 7:11-13)

I love my Savior and I know He loves me. I feel His love every day and I know that He is anxious to bless all of us with that love. We just need to let Him in.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Aubs