Concerned for Christ

Papa is doing so well. :) It makes me incredibly happy to say that. He is healing a little more each day...and even though sometimes we have some health scares, they always seem to miraculously work themselves out. We use those opportunities to rally together as a family and support one another as we make our way through. 

That has got me thinking over the past couple of weeks...how when we have a common source of motivation our thoughts, ideas and behaviors change. We become better, more dedicated and hopeful. 

This past semester has been kinda tough on me, I've been taking on a lot and have felt quite stressed... I ventured onto Facebook the other day hoping to find a little day-brightening post. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement worthy of some Guinness world record. Nearly every other post was about some controversial hot topic and if that wasn't enough nearly all of these posts were accompanied by a barrage of opinions void of tact or politeness. I quickly exited out and found myself feeling a bit wounded. Even though I was not the subject of controversy nor was I actively engaging in a debate, I felt judged, attacked, frightened and my soul was sore. 

I pondered on this experience, and realized that somehow we have forgotten the "spirit" of the holidays. When I was younger I was always so excited for Fall. September with its changing leaves and the promise of a fresh new year of school where I could set and accomplish goals. October with all of its fun Halloween activities and the opportunity to wear a costume that I had been planning for nearly a year. November with Thanksgiving and the opportunity to introspect about how blessed I am. Then December, with Christmas and the opportunity to be better so I can please not only ol' St. Nick, but also the Reason for the holiday Himself.

I realized that I haven't felt that way about the holidays this year...and it kinda just broke my heart into a bunch of little pieces. I thought about Halloween and how such a fun holiday has turned into an excuse to dress trashy, to gross ourselves out, and to ultimately desensitize our tender spirits. I thought of Thanksgiving and how gratitude has turned to avarice...how family meals have been rescheduled to fit around stores opening earlier to satisfy their gluttonous "early birds". Then I thought of Christmas. I thought of my own experience this year, which I know is not unique to just me. I thought of how I really can just go out and buy whatever I want...and so there really isn't too much for me to ask for. Desire to be good turned to desire to get goods. I also thought of how even though Christmas is two weeks away, I am seeing less and less of Christ in this holiday.

I am concerned for Christ. In the Book of Mormon there is a scripture that reads"And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins."

This holiday, despite the efforts of some, quite frankly I am having a hard time seeing Christ in Christmas. We think not of Christ-we talk not nor rejoice in Him...I feel like He is being lost. I am guilty of this too. Do I post more about my amazingly awesome husband than I do about my precious Savior? Not saying that my husband isn't wonderful or that I should never talk about him...but what if I spent as much time thinking, talking, posting about the Savior as I do my marvelous and hunky spouse?

What would the world be like if we did that? What if we posted just as much if not MORE about the Savior than we do about funny animal videos, quotes from movies, or even our opinions on the nation's leading news stories? I think we would all be better because of it, more hopeful, more quick to forgive, more humble, more caring, more grateful...we'd be the best we can be.

So those are my thoughts. We need to look to the Savior more and implement Him more in society. I'd like to make a Christmas resolution. (different than  New Year's resolution because CHRIST is the motivation instead of the new year) I resolve to make Christ my focus. I resolve to think of Him when I am feeling lazy, discouraged and unmotivated. I resolve to post about Him more than I post about anything else. I resolve to be more like Him. And I resolve to share my witness of the miracles that come from living a Christ centered life.


Happy Holidays, and Merry CHRISTmas!

Love,
Aubs

Listen to *this* to bring a little Christmas cheer. :)

I know.

As I was sitting on the bus last week (yes it takes me about that long to put my jumble of thoughts into something understandable) I overheard a conversation. Before you start thinking that I am one of those bus creeps that just people watches you must realize that "purpose" is what sets me apart from them. I people watch to learn more about the people I am surrounded by...oh whatever moving on.

As I was sitting there innocently eavesdropping, I heard a conversation that went like this: "I still don't get it. If you believe in such a loving and merciful God, why in the world does He make you suffer so much?" 

(valid point my fellow bus rider)

The response: "I'm not sure...I just know that He does love all of His children and He wants us to be happy."

(another valid point)

I stopped listening after this little exchange. My mind shot off like a bullet train and when that happens there is not stopping it. 

How would I have responded if I was the other half of that conversation? Have I internalized an answer? Do I even have an answer? 

Yes, in fact, I do. 100%. 

I am only 25 years old, but I have seen quite a bit of opposition in my life already. I remember telling my Mom just this past year ,"I don't feel like there has ever just been peace in our lives...it feels like there has always been something big that we are going through."

Despite that fact, the fact that we as a family are constantly making our ways through a thick jungle of trials, each of us has no doubt as to whether God exists, that He loves us, and that He wants us to be happy. 

How is that possible? Well, in these short 25 years of my life I have learned that it isn't GOD who gives us these trials. Quite the bold statement but hear me out. It wasn't God that made me fall off the bunk bed and break my arm when I was three. It wasn't God who made the kids at my Junior High make fun of me for being LDS. It wasn't even God who gave my Dad all of his health problems... All of these things are just trials of mortality. They happen. They happen because we are mortal and prone to wander. 

How then does God fit into the equation? Just as any loving parent, God hurts when He sees His children struggle. He can't always take away the pain, because it is just something we need to pass through...but He has given us something to remedy all that is hurtful or unfair about this life. 

He gave us His own Son, Jesus Christ. 

Christ is the way that we can overcome. Christ doesn't take away the challenges in front of us, but He surely does help us bear them. Christ knows perfectly and infinitely what we are passing through. He knows and because He knows, He can help us through. 

I know this is true. I have seen too much and been rescued too many times to not know this truth. 

As I thought about these things, I happened upon a little video clip that perfectly sums up this message, 

Click *here*  (click on "Refiner's Fire)

So yeah, these are the little things that make their way through my mind whilst riding the bus. 

Update on Papa: He's doing well. He had some doctor's appointments during these past couple of weeks to determine his progress. Sometimes it's hard to go because we don't see the progress we hope for, but we are quick to remember that the fact that he can even go to these appointments is progress enough. :) He has been having some issues with his feeding tube, however. It is rubbing the skin on his stomach raw and is awfully painful. We are doing our best to figure out how to help him. 

We love you and are grateful for your continued support. 

Com amor,

Aubs

Happy Birthday Papa!

I. Am. Grateful.

It seems as if I am always contrasting things to what happened a year ago. I do this because I am always in awe of where we are now. 

Before continuing THIS post, please read *this* one. It is what was going on a year ago. 

Isn't that amazing? Papa was still on his ventilator. He had just walked for the first time. And as of a year ago tomorrow morning, he was back at the UVRMC to get a pacemaker. I can't believe that was a year ago. 

Last night we had a birthday dinner celebrating Dad and Britt's birthdays. As we sat waiting for our food, I looked around and took in the scene. We were all there. Dad and Mom. Dev, Britt, Bridger and Emeri. Cam and I. Kelsey. Kyler. It was amazing. Truly amazing.

I hope my Mom doesn't get mad at me for sharing this, but as my Dad read her birthday card, she said something that made me tear up a little. Essentially, she said that she was so very grateful for the extra time God had given her with my Dad. I think we all feel that way. A year ago we still had no clue what would happen. A year ago Dad's life still hung in the balance. 

What a blessing it is to celebrate my Dad's birthday with my Dad. He is doing so well. He had a few tests last week to evaluate a few of the things that happened because of his strokes. He is making great progress! Still has no swallow, which is a bummer. Other than that, we are taking things day by day. We have been able to start living again. I love that the Lord helps and heals us so that we can rise above our challenges. As I read in the Book of Mormon this morning, God helped me see a little more clearly just how much He loves me. He gave me His Son so that I can conquer all that is painful about this life. 

Alma 36: 17, 19-20, 27

 27 And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me.

The Lord is good. :)

Com amor,

Aubs

Day 363

Day 363

I am writing this post whilst watching Numbers and decidedly being distracted from my homework. (but that's ok!) 

The other night Cam and I and Kels went to a haunted house. (yes I kept my eyes tightly shut and my face pressed into Cameron's back the whole time...I was terrified OKAY?!) Anyways, as we were headed home that evening my phone somehow managed to open itself up to my photo gallery...so when I glanced down at the screen loads of pictures from last October sat there staring me in the face! (smart little smart phone) 

I began to show Kels some of the pictures from last year while Papa was in the hospital. And that got me thinking...I need to do a post about some highlights from the past year! Now truth be told the past year hasn't been all "highlighty"...rather a bit more "landmarky". So this post is dedicated to the landmarks of the past year!

October 12, 2013- Dinner with the Family. :) 

October 15, 2013- First day in the I.C.U.

October 15.2013- First night in the I.C.U. surrounded by friends. :)

October 16, 2013- Dad's only means of communication...the three squeeze "I love you"

October 31, 2013-Fireman Sam came to visit for Halloween

November 4, 2013- Dad with his new trach. 

November 8,2013- Aubrey and Cameron officially start dating

November 9.2013- Dad and Dev

November 11,2013-Dad walks for the first time

November 28.2013- Thanksgiving.

December 25.2013- Christmas

December 25,2013- Skyping with Sorella Baer

February 3,2014- Dad finally returns home.

February 5,2014- Emeri joins the Baer clan!

March 21,2014-Cameron proposes to Aubrey

Aubrey said yes!

August 21,2014- Sorella Baer returns home from her mission

August 26,2014- Aubrey and Cameron get married!

October 3,2014- Our first real family outing. NEON TREES!

Yeah, it has been quite the year. Look back so many incredibly tough things have happened, but so many amazingly wonderful things have happened too! Thanks for helping us have the best year possible. We are anxious to see what surprises this next year will bring. :)

Love, The Baers

To mourn with those who mourn...

I am taking a positive psychology class right now and it is so incredibly fascinating I can't stand it! (of course I am a psych geek to begin with so....) 

ANYWAYS. Over the past few weeks one of our assignments has been to make a presentation about overcoming obstacles with positive psychology. I have loved listening to these presentations. 

One young man did his presentation on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He discussed symptoms, causes, and eventually the healing process. Did you know that the most effective cure for PTSD was support from friends and loved ones? This support includes listening, loving, caring, understanding, talking, observing, helping....so many things, but ALL done by those whom you trust. 

As I sat listening to this young man I of course thought about my own battle with PTSD. Yeah it's true. It isn't any secret. With everything we have witnessed in the past year, how would we NOT be suffering? (and besides it isn't like a disease or anything, it's just a different than your average type of stress) As I thought about my ability to cope I thought of the many people involved in the healing process. The more I pondered the more I thought of Christ's Sermon on the Mount when He counsels us to "mourn with those who mourn". What does that mean?

I found the answer illustrated in two examples from my own life just in the past year. The first happened last summer as a friend very dear to my heart suddenly passed away. I was heartbroken. I was anguished. I suffered silently and alone. Even in the midst of other mourners I felt isolated. The day of my sweet friend's funeral, however, I was taught what Christ meant by "mourning with those who mourn." After I wearily made it through the service I was greeted by two of my dearest mission friends who did not even KNOW the girl who had passed. They embraced me with love....not to mention bearing a Dr. Pepper and peanut m&ms. This type of love portrays exactly what the Savior meant. These girls loved ME and wanted to support ME in my time of grief. They came to mourn with me and bear me up as I struggled.

The second example is written in the months of unrequited service given to our family in the past year. Friends, family, and strangers alike all came to bear our burden with us. Meals were provided. Blankets were sewn to lend comfort and warmth. Visits were made to show love and concern. Even though these people couldn't change our circumstance, they undeniably changed our experience. This type of Christlike love filled our family so completely that we could not sit idly by filled to the brim with the blessings of charity. The love shown was so immense that it spilled over into the lives of those around us...the lives of those suffering with their own life changes. We shared of our meals, our blankets and our visits to help lift and encourage those feeble hands around us not because we wanted a "thank you" or some sort of praise. We shared because we had been touched by the love of Jesus Christ Himself and we couldn't NOT share.

Mourning with those who mourn does not mean we need a personal connection to the trial at hand. No, it means that we love and mourn because someone we love is mourning.

Love,
Aubs

P.S. A video I saw a few years ago has constantly inspired me to be an example of the believers. This video portrays the kindness shown to a young woman who has struggled with a life challenge. This young woman has a special place in my heart...she is the niece of my dear friend who passed away last year. The young woman in the video, Brittany, passed away this last week. Her legacy of faith and love will forever remain in my heart.

https://www.lds.org/youth/video/cheering-each-other-on?lang=eng

Sacred

sa·cred

ˈsākrid/

adjective

1. connected with God and so deserving veneration.

It's raining outside and my window is wiiiiide open. Rain is just a euphoric and sensational experience for me...the smell of rain, the feel of the air when it rains, the sound of rain. I just love all of it! 

As stated in a previous post, Fall is officially here and I can't help but recall last autumn. This week, Cam and I just happened to be driving on the street where the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center is located. The very street on which we lived for a good couple of months. As we drove past, I cried...a huge wave of emotion condensed into a small river of free-flowing tears. The emotion came on so incredibly fast and there was nothing I could do to slow down it's force on my heart, (and poor Cam is trying to drive and wipe away my tears at the same time...bless his soul) I sat in silence for a little bit, pondering that scene. I was transported back into that corner room in the neuroshock ICU. Those long nights where every hour was significant progress. I remembered each nurse and doctor so vividly that I could recall even the fabric pattern on their scrubs. I remembered late night visits to the cafe on the first floor....I always ordered chicken fingers and onion rings. (the ULTIMATE comfort food) As I sat thinking about all of this, I felt a deep ache in my heart...I missed that time. What?! How could I miss such a heart-wrenching experience? How could I miss the anxiety, the loneliness, and the despair that went along with it? How could I miss sitting in a hospital room for hours? How could I miss the alarms, the tension, and the constant concern for someone so close to my heart? 

My Father in Heaven answered my silent struggle almost immediately. "Because it is sacred." Upon returning home that evening, I lay in bed pondering the response I had received and I desired to understand further. In an instant I reverently reviewed the entirety of the past year and the holy ground on which I was able to walk. For you to understand what I mean you must first understand what sacred means. (scroll back up, and read the definition) To define even better what I mean, I found a quote by Elder Paul B. Pieper in a talk called To Hold Sacred . Elder Pieper says,"Our experiences with the divine may not be ... direct or dramatic nor our challenges...daunting. However, as with the prophets, our strength to endure faithfully depends upon recognizing, remembering, and holding sacred that which we receive from above."

The past year I have been able to connect with God. Those of you who uplifted and supported my family have connected to God and these experiences which we share are sacred. They deserve our respect, our reverence and our love as we reflect on them. Personally, as I ponder on all that has happened in the past year I can clearly see how I have touched heaven. All that was artificial, superficial and temporary vanished from my life. That includes thoughts, desires, relationships and goals. As I wearily trudge through my own Gethsemane "[groaning] in spirit" , the Lord has truly eliminated any and all barriers that stand between me and Him and I AM GRATEFUL. All that has been spared in my life are the things of eternity. I have learned so many pure doctrines along this path. I have been touched daily by the immaculate Christlike love others extend to me. My belief of the reality of a living Father and Brother has truly transformed itself into a deep-rooted knowledge. 

These things I recognize, I remember and I hold sacred. This is not to say that I wish things were back to the way they were, OH NO. I am so grateful for the progress The Baer family has made in the past year and I wouldn't trade where we are for anything else. I simply need others to know that I harbor no anger, and no regret for the things we have been through. We needed to climb a steep mountain so we could enjoy the glorious sunrise as we approach the summit. I am grateful that my Heavenly Father saw us worthy to be transformed as we have been...and I am further grateful that He has allowed me the capacity to share our witness of His love with others. 

Although Papa has his struggles (which right now includes kidney issues that remain a mystery to the doctors) his faith and endurance continue to inspire me. He has every reason in the world to stay down, but he simply sees every reason to get up. And he does. I love my Papa. 

Love,

Aubs

Deja Vu

It has been nearly a year since Papa entered the ICU. As Fall approaches, I think all of us are beginning to feel a bit of deja vu. The crisp autumn-y smell in the air, the vibrant colors dotting the mountainside, the pumpkin spice smell....all of these things are flashing us back to last Fall. 

With that said, a bit of an update is past due. Papa has shown an incredible amount of healing, and growth. We are so grateful for the many miracles we have seen. I am personally grateful that my Papa was able to dance with me at my wedding...that will be a moment I will NEVER forget. 

With the many miracles we have witnessed, we have also had some bumps in the road along the way. We understand that there will surely be complications during Papa's healing process, we accept this fact and are willing to meet those challenges as they come. 

One of the current challenges we are facing is regarding Papa's kidneys. Now we aren't sure of the particulars just yet, only that they are presenting some cause for concern and Papa will go in for some testing tomorrow. I do post with a purpose tonight. Each of us are kind of holding our breath about what they might find tomorrow...the task seems a little daunting, but I think we are all ready for anything. I know that Papa has been a little anxious about going back to the hospital. Can you blame him? After 111 days in a hospital bed, I would be anxious too. 

So here is my plea: Pray for peace. Peace in Papa's heart, Peace in Mama's. Peace in our family's hearts....and peace in yours.

We love you all and are SO grateful for your help.

Love,

The Baers

Look Up

5 days, 23 hours, 50ish minutes.

That is how long I must wait before I get to be sealed to the man of my dreams. For those of you not of our faith, the marriage ceremony is a little different than your typical civil nuptials. As a Latter-day Saint I believe that marriage between a man and a woman can last forever, and that is made possible through a sacred wedding ceremony that takes place in any of the LDS temples. The word sealing signifies a literal binding of husband and wife on Earth and in Heaven. 

I don't just want to be married to my sweetheart, I want to be sealed to him. 

As I have grown up, I have tried my hardest to live worthy of an amazing guy that I could one day call my own. I have seen heartache and heartbreak. I have done the whole "dating game" and I have done a few "dating hiatuses" too. All of these experiences, no matter how difficult at the time, are SO worth the joy and love that I feel being with Cam. I was telling my Mom just last night that I never knew I could love or be loved this much. I scored, BIGTIME.

My purpose in posting today is to let you in on the man to whom I am going to be sealed. I met Cam about a year ago through mutual mission friends. I never had the privilege of meeting him on the mission, though we did serve at the same time. As I got to know Mr. Smith, it was evident that he was definitely something special. He took me on a date soon after we met, and I can honestly say that though I was a big ball of awkward (having returned from my 18 month mission only weeks before) I felt inexplicably safe and comfortable when I was with him. I knew that I would be taken care of, I knew I could trust him, and I knew that he would make me happy.

I kept an eye on Cam for quite a while. He intrigued me. Cameron is quite reserved, so in group settings he didn't say too much. I realized that it wasn't because he was nervous or socially awkward, he would sit there, analyzing people. So of course I sat there analyzing him. (I am such a creeper sometimes) As I sat back and watched, I saw things that I liked. He was witty. He was DANG smart. He was thoughtful. He had nice shoes. (a necessary trait in my opinion) And the more I looked at him, the hotter he got. (and he was flippin handsome to begin with so I seriously had no other choice but to fall for him) I was hooked. 

I was shown the full import of Mr. Smith's character the day my Dad went into the ICU. Cam arrived minutes after I did, and stayed by my side the entire night. My world was a haze that day, but I will always remember sitting on the little love seat in the waiting room, my head on a pillow in his lap, and him gently stroking my hair. My life changed in more ways than one that day, and realizing that Cam was who I wanted for eternity made it all worth it. 

Cameron has stuck by my side during the toughest year of my life. He has seen my family in the worst of times. He has seen me at rock bottom, and yet, he stayed. Whenever I have gotten frantic, overwhelmed or just down in the dumps, he will put his hand on my chin, and make me look up into his loving eyes. 

Look up. That is what Mr. Smith has taught me. When your world seems like it has crumbled, look up. There is so much good around you. When you find yourself weighed down by depression, fear or pain...look up. There is a silver lining. When you are terrified to move forward and all you can do is just stare at your feet hoping the world will just stand still for a minute...look up. The universe is bigger than you can imagine, and these seemingly gigantic leaps forward are in actuality small steps in the right direction. Look up.

I will always look up when I am with Cam, and not just cause he is a full foot taller than I am. He makes my world worth looking up for. 

Love,

Aubs

Turning Point

This summer I took a creative writing class. One of the assignments was to write a paper on a significant "turning point" in our lives. The idea for my "turning point" came in an instant. This is what I wrote:

“Are You Ready?”

Words hold powerful meanings. Words connected in various ways can make a person feel empowered or powerless, they can inspire or discourage, and they can even alter the course of someone’s life. My life is filled with memories associated with words that I have heard or read, each phrase holding a specific meaning and promoting a change in my character. No matter how these words were offered or who they came from, these phrases have offered opportunities for transformation. As I look back, all of these experiences play a role in the woman that I am today, but as I crossed that empty street in the early hours of the morning, three simple words would impact my life in a way that I will never forget. “Are you ready?”

            Sunday, October 20, 2013 is a day that has been seared into my memory. To explain why, I need to address the point that five days previous, my father entered the ICU at the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. Dad had been ill for a couple of months with a sinus infection, which progressively got worse, even causing some stroke-like symptoms. Unexpectedly, on Tuesday October 15, 2013, I was pulled out of my astronomy class by my brother. He told me that our father had been admitted to the ICU with organ failure, respiratory failure, and heart failure. We needed to rush to the hospital to say goodbye. In a split second, reality became surreal. I began to live in my own personal twilight zone where every day seemed to melt into the next. I had no sense of time, and the outside world ceased to exist. During the days that followed, Dad had “episodes” where he would stop breathing and he would go into cardiac arrest. It was usually once a day, and each episode was never more than a matter of seconds. I remember every one of those seconds.

            During this time, my mom, my brother Devin, and I were all staying across the street at a guest house provided by the hospital for family members of patients in the ICU. We would take shifts being with Dad so that he would never be alone, and so that each of us could get a little sleep. I usually took the late shift, from 11pm until 5:00am when my mother replaced me. Saturday evening, I sat with dad, singing him songs, reading him books, and talking to him. I share my deepest thoughts, and fears. I told him how much I loved him. My Dad was on life-support and in a self-induced coma. He rarely responded, but when he did it was by squeezing my hand three times, which is a way our family says “I love you”. It was about 4:30 in the morning when my Mother came to replace me. I walked back across the street to the guest house, and without getting into my pajamas, I hopped straight into bed. No sooner had I drifted off to sleep, my brother’s phone rang. It was Mom, her words muffled by the thick silence that filled the room. I knew by my brother’s tender tone that we were needed back at the hospital. After he hung up, we laced up our Nikes, grabbed our BYU sweatshirts, and dashed out the door. When we got outside, the world was peaceful. The sky was a deep blue, there were no cars, and a gentle wind blew a few strands of hair across my face. This serenity was in stark contrast to the angry boil of thoughts in the melting pot of my mind. I had just left Dad, and he was okay. What happened? This is my fault. I never should have left. What will happen? How is Mom? Who do we call? Is he awake? Is he talking? All of these thoughts were hurtling through my brain at the speed of light when my brother says, “Are you ready?”

            Silence. All of the commotion in my mind came to a screeching halt. I didn’t need to ask what he meant, I knew perfectly well. Was I ready to face what we were about to see? Was I ready to be strong? Was I ready to accept whatever happened? Was I ready to move forward regardless of the outcome? All of my fears challenged by a simple question, “Are you ready?”

            An elevator ride had never felt so long. It felt like we were confined to an inescapable metal box for dozens of years. We finally made it to the third floor, and we couldn’t get into the neuroshock unit fast enough. After watching my brother’s trembling fingers punch in the code, the double doors swung open and an empty hallway loomed in front of us. We walked steadily to Dad’s room where Mom and a medical entourage waited for us. No one spoke when we entered, and we didn’t feel the need to announce our presence. All of us just stood there, surrounding my unmoving father, keenly watching him and his monitors. I don’t know how long we went on like that, but it felt like hours. After a while of watching Dad’s heart rate plummet and skyrocket, his doctor pulled us out into the hallway. We were presented with the lesser of two “worsts”. The greater “worst” would be that Dad had died. The lesser was the doctors telling us that Dad had suffered a massive episode, and was not expected to make it through the day. We were told to call family and prepare for his passing.

            It has been over 7 months since my Dad first entered the ICU. I have seen and heard much during this time, but that simple question will forever stand out in my mind as a turning point. In that moment, I needed to decide what my outcome would be regardless of what my Dad’s was. I never did respond to my brother. I think my sprinting across the street and up to my Dad’s room might have been answer enough. Perhaps his question wasn’t so much a question at all. He knew that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. It didn’t matter how hard we wished something else, Dad would either die or he wouldn’t. We needed to be ready for both, and by saying “Are you ready?” might have been his charge for me to get ready.

            My Dad did not die. Through many miracles, he defied the diagnosis, and survived numerous massive strokes, endocarditis, meningitis, and sepsis. My Dad isn’t the same physically or mentally, but he did live. My Dad was in the hospital for three and a half months, and each day I had to ask myself  “Am I ready?” This question took on a different meaning at different stages. Am I ready to keep going? Am I ready to accept another doctor telling me that my Dad will never walk? Am I ready to see him walk despite what that doctor said? Am I ready to start living my life again, despite all that has happened? Am I ready to keep going? Am I ready to not have “Dad” anymore? Am I ready to take care of my Dad in a way that I haven’t before? Am I ready to take care of my Mom like I haven’t taken care of her before?

I decided that I was ready. I was ready to feel elated for my Dad’s successes, and to cheer him on as he strived for more. I was ready to cheer him on in spite of small setbacks, and when frustration got the best of him. Life has been so drastically altered, that conventional family relationships no longer exist in my home. My father’s personality is different now, and as a recovering stroke victim he is dealing with the problems associated with brain trauma. Even today, as I visit home once a week to help out, I have to ask myself the same question. Am I ready to bite my tongue when he isn't himself? Am I ready to accept that this isn’t him, but an effect of the stroke? Am I ready to see my Mom be a nurse and caregiver as opposed to being a wife? Am I ready?

            Sometimes, I can’t answer this question. Sometimes, I just need to sprint across the street and head towards the unknown. At least in doing so, I know that I will be ready. 

And we're back...

Hi you guys. :) I am SO sorry for the lack of post over the past couple of months. I had a hefty load of summer classes that took up every waking moment (and occasionally the sleeping ones too) but I have successfully completed them and now I have time to share some much needed updates! 

Firstly, Papa is doing great. I love being able to say that! He just got some new hardware put in (a new feeding tube called the "low profile mic-key". Literally, that's what it is called. Aside from that, he is working on his swallow still (fingers STILL crossed...never give up, NEVER SURRENDER!) and working on his motor skills. Our house is officially a museum to some of the greatest lego and car model creations known to man! He is progressing little by little, and each day is a miracle. 

Mama is doing amazing as well. I honestly don't know how she does all that she does. She is the most amazing nurse, a motivating cheerleader, a calming mediator, a dear friend and above all, a devoted wife. Keep her in your prayers too, Papa's success wouldn't happen without her.

Dev and Britt are doing great with their adorable little family. Bridger has all the energy in the world and LOVES looking at Grandpa's creations. Emmi is learning how to use her voice and she still has all of those luscious locks. 

Kelsey COMES HOME IN A MONTH! Yeah I am excited out of my mind. Her last area is the beautiful Florence, Italy.

Cam and I are doing great. Cam is preparing to take the MCAT exam here in a month in preparation for med school. I do my best to help him out and keep him focused. :) 

So there ya have it. A family update. Before I close this little epistle of mine, I wanted to share something that I have been thinking about over the past couple of days. A little while ago, a religious leader of mine told me that my life challenges, as I met them, would be light. Now, at first glance, I was like "Are you kidding me?"....but I felt that a deeper look at the meaning of the statement was worth my while. 

As I thought about the experiences I have had over my lifetime, it is plain to see how the size of the trial itself isn't what makes it challenging or not. Rather, it is my response to the trial that determines how hard it is. 

Almost losing my Dad is a pretty big deal, but the thing is THAT trial isn't what was challenging about the whole experience. What was challenging was me being humble enough to accept the will of God, and trust in Him enough to move forward. Have you ever felt that? Trials seem infinitely harder when we are trying to buck against what is happening...or in simpler terms, when we try to challenge the will of God. When we humble ourselves, and are truly willing to accept whatever happens is when the trial becomes a stepping stone to greater faith and not a stumbling block that leads to discouragement and weakness. 

I understand now what my leader meant...my trials will be light as I turn those experiences over to my Heavenly Father, and push forward trusting in Him and His plan. Trials are difficult, for sure, but they don't have to be unbearable. I promise they can be light, if we just trust in our loving Heavenly Father who wants us to succeed. 

So that is all for now. :) I have a really cool post coming up, so be sure to keep an eye out! 

Love you all,

The Baers

Sorella Baer and her companion in Florence.

Cameron and I will be married on August 26,2014! 40 days!

Little Emmi is all smiles!

Dad looking amazing at 189 pounds!

Blessed

Each Tuesday I have the opportunity to go home and visit the fam. I get to see the progress my Dad has made, and be friends with my Mom. Sometimes the visits are hard, seeing how the new Dad differs from the old Dad. Other times, my visits are uplifting and I witness miracles.

Yesterday had a little of both. Papa had a big fall the other day, and because of his blood thinners, he is immensely bruised and sore. He is moving a lot slower than usual too, which gives our cat, Holly, the chance to finally catch his oxygen hose as he moves it across the floor. 

The happy part about yesterday is that Papa had  a speech evaluation. The whole speech therapy thing isn't just about Dad talking or forming sentences. Speech has to do with his cognitive abilities, his ability to swallow, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Yesterday's eval had to do with his cognitive abilities and guess what. He did amazing!!!! Most of us have witnessed Papa's short term memory loss, but yesterday, that didn't seem to be a problem. The therapist had Dad memorize words, signs, and numbers and then made him repeat back the order, backward, frontward, sideward...whatever! AND HE DID IT AMAZINGLY!!!!!! Papa was trying so hard to focus, and it really paid off. We are so proud of him. Then he came home completely tuckered out and took a nap. 

We aren't sure how much of Dad will come back, or how quickly, but we are grateful for the little milestones and miracles that we witness each day. We are so happy to have him here with us. It doesn't matter what the doctors declare "gone" or "permanent", Papa has proved them wrong before and we know that if God wants to make yet another miracle happen, He will.

Thank you for your constant prayers, we still need them. Don't forget to pray for my Mom too. She's a real trooper, but she too has a big load to carry.

Com amor,

The Baers

P.S. For those of you who read this blog and would like a wedding announcement from Cam and I, please go to the following link and enter in your address! Don't worry, only Cameron and I can see your info!

https://www.postable.com/aubreyandcameron

Baer's Fine Autos

Yeah Papa made all of those. If ya want to send him a model to make, make sure it is a snap together one, not the glue one! (he isn't allowed to use the glue until he can breathe without his oxygen help)

Guest Post: Sorella Baer

well my heart's just about full as can beezy. 

first of all, my KARLA'S GETTING BAPTIZED!!! yes folks, in 9 days time, (also Sorella Palumbo's bday) and I'm about stoked out of my mind. My beloved Karla has been an investigator since last september, and I started teaching her right as I arrived in Pavia. goodness, how she has allowed the Gospel of Jesus Christ to change and bless her. I love this woman and can't wait to see her in white!

We set two baptismal dates last night with this couple we've been teaching: Jennifer and Eduardo. We absolutely adore this couple, and fra un po, they'll be baptized!

The Lord blesses us as missionaries with beautifully spiritual experiences often. Sometimes, I forget just how miraculous is the power of the Almighty God, and I'm not as grateful for all of the miracles, siano grandi o siano piccoli, that happen. Something small like: about a month ago, Sor. Palumbo and I went to go visit a member of ours in the hospital. We just felt to share Alma 26:12 with her and then share some love. As we read that scripture together, she started to cry, as she told us that that very morning, she had read that scripture to herself, and it touched her so much, that she wrote her missionary son an entire letter about that scripture. Oh how the spirit touches our hearts.

or something bigger like: preparing the heart of woman to become baptized and enter into covenants with the Lord. 

or something like the biggest thing ever: when Jesus Christ, the Son of God, rose. and conquered both physical and spiritual death. Being a missionary for Easter gives me so many beautiful opportunities to bear testimony of the Risen Lord. 

Just as I know that Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. I know that He LIVES for us. O WHAT JOY THIS SENTENCE GIVES, I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES. 

Folks, why aren't we celebrating more? why aren't we more urgent in sharing this message of joy and gladness with others? that because the Savior rose, each of us can rise again, also us. That there's more after this life, and that we can remain with our loved ones for EVER. This knowledge has sustained me, and lifted me as I've had to face this incredibly difficult trial of my dad's health. But I have the deep conviction, that my Elder Brother has already felt all of my feelings, and that all I need to do is lean on Him. 

I love it all. 

and you guys. happy easter:) die some eggs for me. then eat them for breakfast. because here in italy, you don't eat ANYTHING salted for breakfast. 

but more importantly, please please please please remember the Savior on this the most glorious and celebrated day!

con tutto del mio amore,

Sorella Baer

p.s. I love you.

p.p.s. ERRBODY LISTEN UP: read dang Preach My Gospel! all of ya, ya hear! not just for mission prep, and not just those rm's. every family should have a copy and should be reading! Vi prego! please do it, it will change your life! that book has changed mine! my copy is one of the most precious things I have here in the mission.

p.p.p.s. andddddddddddddd the reason why I'm writing on a thursday? well we switched p-days, because the Palumbsters and I are headed to see a ballet at ''La Scala-- teatro a Milano!'' we're gonna see Swan Lake, in one of the most beautiful opera houses in Italy! We're so excited!

p.p.p.p.s. my release date is the 21st of August. and I'm freaking out. More to come next week. 

Easter

As I have grown up I have a lot of memories associated with each holiday. Those memories I have of when I was an itty bitty Baer are quite magical. Santa visiting with his magic sparkle dust (it's a Baer thing) and the veggies we left for the reindeer gnawed on. Thanksgiving with the baby dill pickles and olive fingers. The Fourth of July with fireworks and sparklers. And then there is Easter. I remember going on Easter egg hunts with my siblings (we each had our own color), and getting baskets filled to the brim with chocolate. 

Yeah I lived a pretty privileged childhood, my parent's took the holidays seriously. As I have grown, however, it's not that the holidays became any less magical, but rather, more meaningful. As I have grown, I have had experiences that have helped me understand the spirit behind each of these holidays and form a personal connection with each. 

This past year, our family has been through a lot. (as you all very well know) Each of us went through these experiences together, but we each had different roles and different sorrows. Today I want to talk about what Easter means to me to NOW, and share a little bit of the deeper thoughts and feelings I have had over the past six months. 

I know I am not the only one, when I say,"I hope ya know, I'm having a rough time." Just cause Papa isn't still in the hospital doesn't mean that things are easy again. In fact, some parts are harder. Yeah Papa's body is back....but HE isn't so much. That's hard. The memories of everything are so very fresh in our minds. Sleep doesn't come easy, dreams aren't pleasant, emotions are always running high.

In the past couple of months I have thought that since all of the scary hospital stuff is over, and how so many happy things have happened, I should be healed, I should be good to go. But the truth is, none of us are. The things we have seen and felt, they will be here a while. The fresh, new emotions that go along with trying to cope with the new normals are heavy too. It's hard.

So that's why this Easter means so much to me right now. Easter is the Resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. That's what it stands for, a renewal. The promised blessings that come to us because the Savior rose is that we too will rise one day, without blemish, without mortal limits. For me personally, that's fantastic, but what matters most to me this Easter are the promises that my Dad WILL be whole again. Maybe not in this life, but I WILL get to enjoy that daddy/daughter relationship again with him. My Mom will get to be a wife again, she'll get her husband back. He'll be whole and perfect in all spheres, and that is all thanks to Jesus Christ. 

Some people might not believe in that, but I cannot, nor will not every deny the things I have felt and witnessed. I KNOW it is true, and I will share that with the world. I am grateful that God has given me so many experiences and opportunities to share with others. I want so much for others to have that comfort that I have. 

So yeah. There it is!  Thanks for stopping by to stay updated on Papa. Pray for him. Pray that his brain will heal so that he can come back to us. :)

We love you,

The Baers

PS, here is an Easter video you should watch!

http://easter.mormon.org/?cid=HPTU041514694

"Love Her Mother"

I know I know, it has been like a jillion months since I last updated you all on the happenings in the Baer family. 

Let's just go through the updates:

So Dev and Britt had a GORGEOUS baby girl named Emeri Brinn Baer born on Feb. 5 2014. She is the sweetest little bundle of adorableness ever... And yeah, that hair is ALL real. We've had such fun shopping for little girl clothes...oh my gosh. It's the best!

Kelsey has been loving her mission. She has just been made a Sister Training Leader which means that her and her companion are traveling to various parts of the mission! She loves visiting and serving with the other sisters! She is scheduled to return home on August 22, 2014. We are so proud of her and grateful for her service, but we miss her like crazy and are kind of super duper excited for her to come home.

Also in February, Mama Baer had her 25th birthday! Happy birthday Mama! 

(I know, not Mama Baer but still)

Papa has been doing AMAZING lately. He has been getting a bit adventurous and has started taking turns about the house WITHOUT his walker! (which is freaky and exciting at the same time) He has found a wonderful new project, which he LOVES doing. So for Occupational Therapy they are working on tuning his fine motor skills back up, and have him doing a lot of things to strengthen the dexterity in his fingers...so Papa has taken to building model cars! He LOVES those things man! And he is doing great putting all of those rascally little pieces in there. He has also been getting ready and going to Church on Sunday! He looks SO dapper in his suit, and he LOVES getting to leave the house too. :) He is still trying to regain his swallow, which has been quite the battle. :( It is hard for us to eat in front of him, but he is a good sport and has actually taken to smelling everything we make...hopefully this triggers something. Aside from that, Papa still has some clotted arteries leading up to his brain...he is on blood thinners to help this, but he still gets some bad pressure headaches because of it. We are hoping and praying that the heal, but of course, we will be ready for whatever happens! 

(the car lot)

Our kitty, Holly, is LOVING having Papa home.

Papa all ready for Church.

So anyways, the title of this post is "Love her mother" which is actually a quote from an LDS talk given in one of our semi-annual General Conferences. This talk was especially meaningful to my Dad. He has raised three girls, and the talk starts with a question. "How do you raise a girl?" The talk goes on to say that the best way to raise a girl is to love her Mom. Which is SO true. There has never been a doubt in any of our minds as to whether or not my Dad loved my Mom. I know as a kid we all groaned when Mom and Dad were being all mushy...(what kid doesn't groan?) Dad always came home from business trips with gifts for Mom, he'd surprise her all the time with flowers, pajamagrams, and the occasional combo pizza from Dominoes. 

Aside from that, the type of man that my Dad is, he shows his loyal love for my Mom. My Dad has always been a faithful Christian. He has always been active in his beliefs, exercising his faith and looking for opportunities to serve. He has always been worthy of  his priesthood and has always looked for ways to bless others because of it. My Dad loves my Mom deeply, and I have benefited greatly from that love. I think I turned out ok, and I think I have some good values and beliefs, but one thing that I can DEFINITELY attribute to my Papa is the high bar that has been set for my own eventual husband. 

Which comes to MY update....so coincidentally it was my 25th birthday this year too! March 21 was an extremely happy day for me...and I definitely got WAY more than I was expecting. I GOT ENGAGED! I know, shocked me too. Let me tell you a little about this guy that reminds me SO much of my Dad. Cameron Smith is from South Jordan, Utah. He comes from an AMAZING family who I love very very verrrrrry much. He served a mission for the LDS Church in Portugal...which was where I served! :) Though serving at the same time, we never knew the other on the mission, we met after through mutual friends. 

Cameron is studying Neuroscience at BYU, he graduates next year and is working on applying to medical school. 

I first met Cam summer of 2013, about a month after I had returned from Portugal. Cameron took me out on a date soon after we first met, and I knew I had found a very dear friend. There was something so wholesome and endearing about this young man, and I knew that I wanted to be around him more and more. Later during the summer, a sweet friend of mine passed away, and it was very hard for me. Cameron was there for me then as a friend I could lean on. He ended up moving into my apartment complex, and was over at my apartment EVERY day as we did stuff with our mission friends. Movies, games whatever, and I was ALWAYS glad to see him. Our friendship continued to grow. Cam came up to Alpine a few times to watch BYU games with all of us, and he got to know my family a little bit. Then Papa went into the hospital, and he was the first person I told. He came to the hospital lickity split, and stayed the night with us that first day. He went to school in the morning, then came back. Every single day. 

I fell for Cam long before he was my knight in shining armor, but we started dating officially in November. :) And the rest is history. Cameron has all of the traits and qualities that I have seen in my Dad. I have found a man who honors his priesthood, and uses it often. I KNOW he will bless my future family with it. I have found a man who loves to serve. He ALWAYS lets others go in front of him if he is in line for food, he always opens my door, he makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world...but most importantly, he loves me, and he lets me know it every time he is with me. I am THE luckiest girl in the world, and I know that is cliche, but I mean it! 

I know that families are forever, and that is wonderful, because that means that I get to spend eternity with Cam... We'll be married in an LDS Temple on August 26, 2014. I love him more than anything.

And there ya have it, updates on the fam! (obviously we have all been a bit busy so that's why we haven't been writing!)

We love you, and although the last year has been hard, this year is turning out pretty well for all of us and we are excited for all of the good things to come!

xoxoxxoxo

The Baers